Pregnancy #4...The Facts

I haven't been blogging for a long time, and I feel a little sad about that.  So many fun things have been going on with the kids that I have failed to document which was the whole purpose for starting this blog in the first place.  I am going to start playing catch up a bit, and I think this is an appropriate place to start considering this is why I feel off the blogging wagon for a bit.  I am going to start with the facts.  I will get to the feelings in another post.  To go at it with the facts and the emotions all in one post would take me FOREVER to get through.  I will split it up as both the facts and the feelings will be better understood this way.

This pregnancy started off similar to all the others.  Crazy excited, super surprised, a little scared, EXTREMELY nauseated, incredibly lucky, thankful beyond belief.

I picked an OB/GYN based on one of my best friends recommendations.  She really loved this doctor and his office was close to my house and he delivered at the hospital I wanted to deliver at so I was pretty convinced.  Oh, and he did an ultrasound at every appointment which was an added bonus!  Luckily, I had already made an appointment for a checkup months before finding out I was pregnant so I just changed that to a prenatal appointment, and I got in to see him pretty quickly after finding out.  I really liked him straight out of the gate.  He did an ultrasound and we saw a little tiny heartbeat.  I was immediately in love once again.

Skip past the disgusting nausea and a lot of respiratory illness being passed around our house, finding out we were having another baby boy, and a lot of traveling for Scott to my 16 week appointment.  I had an ultrasound, as usual.  Dr. N pointed out that the babies kidney's were slightly enlarged, however, he stressed this was very common in boys.  Me, being the Google M.D. that I am, pushed and pushed him to tell me everything and anything that could be causing the enlarged kidneys.  Hesitantly, he goes through the list which started with nothing at all and ended with Down's Syndrome.  Since this was my 16 week appointment I opted for the Quad Screen blood work that I have opted out of during every other pregnancy.  This blood test is a "screening" not a diagnostic test, which I knew, but I wanted to have it anyway.  Now we wait 7-10 days for results.

I got the call from Dr. N over a week later that my blood work had come back "abnormal."  This screening test gives you a risk factor for having a baby with a specific birth defect.  Everyone my age, race, etc. starts out with a 1/680 chance of having a baby with Down's Syndrome.  My test results returned a risk factor of 1/128 chance of having a baby with DS.  So on we go to the Perinatologist for further testing.

Because I have the best doctor ever, I got in to see the Perinatologist a week (instead of a month) later for a level 2 ultrasound.  I went to this ultrasound knowing that I would not get a yes or no if the baby had DS, and if I wanted to know for sure I could do an amniocentesis after my ultrasound.  After my ultrasound, Dr. B let me know that the ultrasound returned nothing abnormal other than the slightly enlarged kidneys (I don't know exactly what the percentages mean, but normal kidneys are about 28%, our babies were 32%), however with the quad screen results and the enlarged kidneys we were given a 1/64 chance that the baby had DS.  Obviously, I can do math and know that this still gave us less than a 2% chance of having a baby with DS, but I also knew that the odds went from being 1/680 to 1/64.  Dr. B went on to explain that the only way to know with more accuracy was to (1) wait until the baby was born since the outcome of the pregnancy would not change either way, (2) travel to a large city (LA, San Diego, Chicago, etc) for a brand new blood test that was not yet offered in Oklahoma called the MaterniT21, however this would not be covered by my insurance and would probably cost us an arm and a leg but was less invasive and 99% accurate, or (3) have an amniocentesis which poses a risk of miscarriage.  I kept looking at her and looking at Scott wanting someone to tell me what to do.  I knew that knowing wouldn't change how much I already loved my baby, however I have 3 other young children that I want to prepare for their new brother as best as I can.  Finally, Dr. B told me not to decide that day.  To go home and pray/sleep/discuss it and call back and they could schedule me for the anmio if that's what I decided.

We went home and did just that and I decided that I really wanted to know.  I am a planner and a researcher and I wanted to be as prepared as I possibly could be.  I went for my level 2 ultrasound on Tuesday.  On Wednesday I called to make an appointment for the anmio.  They had one opening in the next week and it was the next day.  I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I went ahead and made the appointment for the next day.

I went in Thursday (2 days after my initial appointment with Dr. B) to have an amniocentesis (which I was terrified about, but I will get to the feelings later).  I went back into the room and a few minutes later Dr. B comes walking in with a huge smile on her face and says, "I think it is a sign.  Guess what was on my desk when I got to work this morning?  12 boxes of the MaterniT21 blood test!"  That is the same blood test she had told me about 2 days before that was not offered in Oklahoma.  She went on to tell me that she had not been contacted by a drug rep and didn't know anything about the test, so she called the company and got all the info and if I wanted to do it I would be the first patient in OK to have it done.  Of course my sister and I (she went with me because Scott couldn't go) both immediately said a loud Thank You to God and opted for the the blood test over the anmio right away!  The test took 10 business days to get back, but whatever results I got would be 99.1% accurate.

8 days later I got a call from Dr. B that the test showed "negative" for DS.  This sent my risk factor to 1/6400.

From start to finish it was several weeks and a whole range of different emotions.  Needless to say, we have no guarantees of having a perfectly healthy baby, as no one does.  What we do know now is that the babies kidneys are not enlarged due to DS, and now we continue to monitor the babies kidneys throughout the rest of the pregnancy, and we continue to pray for our son the way we have since the first day we found out we were pregnant and every day since.

Now I am almost 24 weeks pregnant and excited beyond belief to meet the newest addition to our family, just as we have been each and every day of this pregnancy, just as we will be until the day he makes his debut.  We all love him so much and are so thankful for this gift from God that is our fourth child.  Our third son.  Our baby brother.  Our Angel.

Too good to be true

I went in for my OB appointment a couple of weeks ago. I was 13 weeks, and my doctor does an ultrasound every appointment so I knew I was going to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. I had a good feeling it was a boy but wanted confirmation. Scott was out of town so I had to go by myself, which was fine. It's funny how when I was pregnant with Paxton, Scott went to every appointment. When I was pregnant with Porter he went to about every other appointment. When I was pregnant with Charlotte he went to the one where we had an ultrasound. This time I guess he won't be going to any! :) It is really okay though. There's really not much reason for him to go because I am really good at giving him all the details! Anyway I had to see the PA (who I had never met) because the Doctor had just left for a delivery. She comes in and starts in with the ultrasound and I can see the good stuff. I say, "Is it a boy?!?!?" She looks at me wondering if I'm sure I want to know and I nod her on. "Yes!!! It's a boy!!" I immediately burst into tears.

This was the appointment that I had been looking forward to. To know that the baby was still growing and developing as he should be. It really solidified things for me. Instead of we are having another baby, we are having a baby BOY!!! I was sobbing, which if you know me even a little you know this is NOT out of the ordinary. It doesn't take much for me to shed a tear, and if I have even the slightest reason, happy or sad, I turn into a sack of sobs. It freaked out that poor PA though, I could tell. She kept asking me if I was ok. I think at one point she asked me if I needed a moment. I told her I was fine, that I just was just a crier and she left as quick as she could. I got myself together and got my things and walked out to leave. The Dr. had just come back from his delivery and grabs me to ask what I found out. I, again, burst into tears and yell IT'S A BOY!!!! He bursts into laughter as I have warned him that he will see me cry pretty much every appointment when I see the baby's face. His sweet nurse asks me if I am ok and I just looked at her and said, "I just feel like my life is too good to be true!" Then I tell her that I think I made the PA nervous. She said that a lot of people come in to find out and it is not what they were wanting and they leave in a puddle of tears because they are upset. That's a little interesting to me, but different strokes for different folks I guess. I assured her that I was thrilled to be having a boy and I promised I would get it together!

I really wish I had better control over my emotions sometimes, like when around strangers!  But I really do feel like my life is too good to be true which brings me to tears on most days.  Usually, I reserve these moments for when I am alone, at the end of the day when we have just gotten everyone in bed.   My husband who I adore and love like crazy is in his office waiting for me to come in to hang with him, I go and check on the boys and see them snuggling tight with each other, Charlotte is snoozing in her bed looking like a precious angel, all is quiet and dark in my comfortable safe home.  We have full bellies from a good dinner and are tired from a full day spent together.  This is when I say a prayer of thanksgiving for the most amazing life that I am fortunate enough to lead.  This is when I shed my tears almost every day.  In quiet, in private. But not this day!  This day I let it all hang out in front of the perfect stranger Physician's Assistant and everyone else in that office!  And I'm not ashamed of it in the slightest bit!!

Just hit her back!

Porter was getting all of his markers and paint perfectly set up so he could enjoy craft time. Charlotte comes over to do what she does best, destroy Porter's perfect arrangement. If she just glances in the direction of where he is sitting, and he knows what she is up to, he will start screaming bloody murder. This gets her even more revved up to complete her path of destruction. She runs over there with her arm cocked back in the "I'm going to hit you" position, and in 2 seconds flat she performs her perfect follow through. Porter is still screaming, but just taking it like the sweet little dude he is. Never on earth would he think of hitting her back. I was across the room with my hands full of something and couldn't get over to the slugfest in time. Porter looks at me with this look in his eyes like "what do I do?!?!" so I say, "Porter, just hit her back." This is not our conventional approach to problem solving, but I kinda felt sorry for the little guy getting beat up by his little sister, and quite honestly we go with other forms of discipline to get her to stop hitting with little to no luck so I thought that maybe that might work. If she got whacked back just one time maybe she would STOP!

Charlotte, still slugging away, Porter, still taking it, looks at me again with those eyes. I say, "Porter, just hit her back!" He looks at me funny and takes his hands and turns her around and hits her on the back! He had no idea of this concept of retaliation and took my words quite literally. He whacks her on the back and she whacks him back. He looks at her again, turns her around, and hits her on the back once again. By this time I had cleared my hands and ran over to stop the madness, all the while dying laughing.

I love that my sweet little dude would never even think to hit his baby sister. Good thing because we will not be using this method in the future. Apparently that just fuels Charlotte's fire to hit harder. We will be going back to time out!

5

Paxton,

You are 5 years old. 5! 5 years old! I can't believe it! 5 puts you into a whole different category of life. You really are a big boy now! And I could not be more proud of the big boy that you are.

The thing about you that makes me most proud is your kind heart. You are patient, you are kind, and you are considerate, even at 5 years old. You listen. You try so hard at everything you do. You are amazing.

I cried the whole day of your birthday this year. Tears of joy. Tears of disbelief. I know it sounds so cliche, but I just don't know where the last 5 years have gone. It seems like today I woke up and all of a sudden you were a 5 year old little boy. You are no longer the tiny baby we brought home from the hospital that had a tummy ache and was so uncomfortable, but still had the best belly laugh I have ever heard in my life. You are no longer the toddler who was a little unsteady on his feet, running around our house so fast you fell head first into the wooden door frame and dented the wood with your hard head! You are no longer the 2 year old who would sing "Thhhhhaaatttt'ssss Elmo's World" over and over but instead of Elmo you would replace it with the different names of people in our family. You are no longer the 3 year old boy who's role as a big brother of 1 was revised to a big brother of 2. A job that you do so well and take so seriously. You are no longer a 4 year old boy who would tell knock knock jokes to no end that made absolutely no sense. You are now a 5 year old boy. Who is missing his bottom front tooth. Who is learning to swim so well. Who has conversations with his mommy and daddy that are well beyond his years. Who is nice to everyone. Who loves to draw pictures of superheroes and shares everything with his brother. You are a 5 year old boy who thinks he loves attention, but once it's upon you, gets shy and quiet. You are a 5 year old boy that reduces his mommy to tears daily remembering the sweetness and perfection you have displayed that day. You are a 5 year old boy that is a perfect role model for his siblings.

Paxton, you are the first child to ever have my heart. You are sweet and smart and sensitive and thoughtful. You are funny and silly and full of joy. You are different. You are perfect. You are mine. And I love you more than anything in the world.

Happy 5th birthday big boy!

Love,

Mom

A Birthday Poem from Pops

MY PAL PAXTON

On March the 8^th 2007

A Gift Came Down To Us From Heaven.

A Handsome Big Boy and Number One Son

Whom Kate and Scott Named Paxton.

He Loved To Smile And Play All Day

But At Night He Acted Another Way.

He’d Toss And Turn And In Sleep He Would Cry

So Mom And Dad Asked The Doctors Just Why.

They Ran Lots Of Tests On Our Little Boy

And Thought He Might Not Like Soy.

Finally They Decided With No Ifs Ands Or Buts,

That Pax Was Allergic to Dairy and Nuts.

What Pax Couldn’t Eat Gave His Mom And Dad Fits

Until They Discovered Chicken Nuggets.

What Else Can Pax Eat His Mom Thought With A Sigh.

How About, Said His Dad, Hideaway Pizza Pie?

On His Special Diet Pax Just Grew and Grew

And Spread Happiness To All That He Knew.

He Learned All His Letters And Started To Talk

It Seemed That He Did It Before He Could Walk.

In Owasso He’d Run, Jump And Play Very Hard

In Robert And Noni’s Green, Spacious Backyard.

With Mimaw He’d Snuggle And Ask For A Story.

Then With Old Papas He’d Sing “That’s Amore.”

He Loves Brother Porter and Charlotte His Sis

And Makes Them Feel Special With A Bubba Hug And A Kiss.

To His Mother And Father He Brings Only Joy.

They Love Him So Much, Their First Baby Boy.

So On His Fifth Birthday We All Say Out Loud,

We Love Our Boy Paxton, He Makes Us So Proud!

Happy Birthday, My Pal!

Papas

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I prayed for you. Before I even knew you were to be, I prayed for you.

It was the longest I have gone without being pregnant since I learned I was pregnant with Paxton in June 2006. I found out I was pregnant with Porter shortly after Paxton's first birthday. I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte when Porter was 9 months old. Charlotte was over one and a half, and I wasn't pregnant. It was about that time. But was it?

We always knew we wanted a "big family" before we even started having kids. How big is a "big family" anyway?

We went through all of the usual questions, I guess you could say. How would the kids respond to having another sibling? Can my body handle this again? Can our marriage handle this again? Can our bank account handle this again? The answer was simply, "We don't know." But we have never known. Not before Pax or Port or Charlotte. We never knew how all the pieces would fall together, but what we did know is that our lives would be richer, our hearts would grow bigger, and we would slowly figure the answers out. But with all of that being said we weren't really sure if it was time again. So I prayed.

I prayed that I would KNOW. I would know if it was time now, or later, or ever. I prayed and I didn't think about it anymore. I didn't think about it anymore until that day I drug the babies into Walgreens on the way to pick Paxton up from school. I was anxious and impatient. We had plans after school and I knew I wasn't going to be home for a while, so what else is a girl to do but take the pregnancy test right there in the Walgreens bathroom with the babies slithering around on the dirty floor. It was one of those pregnant/not pregnant tests so it seemed like an eternity before the word PREGNANT popped up in that window. WHAT?!?!?! I mean I know I had asked for guidance just a few weeks before, but I thought that I was going to get this feeling like "oh yes we are supposed to have another baby." And I would go to Scott with this beautiful story of how it had been in my heart to have another baby. Instead when we got home from the park I sat him down and said point blank I'M PREGNANT!! And what does Scott say? I knew it!

So there you go, baby. We are over the moon excited to meet you. Do we still have all of the same questions? Of course. But now we have other more important questions to ask ourselves, like, are you a boy or a girl? What are we going to name you? Who are you going to look/act like? And all of that other fun stuff. The unknown will all come to be known in due time. The one thing I know NOW is that you were meant to be a part of our family, and each and every one of us loves you more already than we ever knew we could!

Love,

Your momma

Happy Anniversary!

Scott,

Today we have been married 8 years! When comparing it to the tomorrows we have left, 8 years doesn't seem like long, but comparing it to the yesterday's past, I feel like 8 years is a lifetime. And it has been a lifetime. I feel like my life really started over when we started dating.

More has happened in the last 8 years of our lives than the previous 22 it seems. And we've been through it all together. We have experienced some incrediably high high's. Getting our first jobs, buying our first few homes, starting our own family traditions, having a baby, and another baby and another baby, financial peaks, amazing friendships, watching loved ones get married and have babies, getting to know each other better, getting to know our parents and siblings on a different level, getting to know ourselves better.

We have also experienced some low low's. Job loss, DEATH, religious differences, the stress of being apart when you're traveling. I know there is more that aren't coming to mind now. Those aren't the things that stick to my memory.

And now 8 years later we are stronger, more in love, better people, because we experienced all of these things together. We were just babies when we got married and we heard the statistics. We knew we wouldn't be a statistic. And we aren't. We could have been. We could still be. But we won't. We won't because we don't want to be. Because we love each other that much. Not because we have kids or because we share a bank account or because of what other people would think. Because we love each other. That much.

I am not ashamed to say that we haven't always had a perfect marriage. Anyone who says they do is lying. I am happy to say that we have a really solid, incrediable, loving, accepting, understanding marriage. All because we have earned it. Because we try. Because we are best friends. Because we are a team. We are two halves to a whole. We need each other and we know that.

I love you, Scott. More than words can ever express....