Uncle B

One year ago today we lost a very important member of our family. Scott lost his brother, I lost my brother-in-law, my kids lost their Uncle B, my mother-in-law lost her son, and so many lost their friend.

We didn't feel the need to explain to our children that their beloved Uncle B had passed. Paxton was only 3 years old, Porter 1 and Charlotte 1 month. We knew they wouldn't understand it, nor did we care to teach them about it at such a painful time for me and Scott. What we decided to do instead was help our children to remember the most important things about Brent while he was alive.

These are the things that I want my kids to know about their Uncle B...

He was so incredibly lovable. Brent was deemed the "gentle giant" mostly because of his size and jokester personality. But to me he was the "gentle giant" because of his tenderness and interest in getting to know me. One of the first times I hung out with Brent was on 4th of July. We went to Scott's mom's house to shoot off fireworks since they live outside city limits. I, having grown up with one sister, am not much for horsing around. (Scott and Brent would call this fun-hater. I would call this being a grown up!) Scott and B were throwing lit black cats at each other and it was making me a nervous wreck. Scott thinks it's hilarious, of course, that I am so annoyed. Brent can tell it's making me uncomfortable and since I was new to the madness he stops to come and sit and talk to me. This is when I knew we were going to be good friends. One of the last conversations I had with Brent was when I was SUPER pregnant with Charlotte. He sat and asked me so many questions about being pregnant and how I was feeling, and I could tell he was truly interested. I loved him for this genuine interest in getting to know me better, even 10 years later.

He loved music. One of my best memories of Brent was when he would come to OKC to spend the night with us and he would bring his guitar. He would play for Paxton, and Paxton loved it! He would also let Pax play with his guitar too. Every time he would walk into our house Pax would ask where his guitar was.

He loved my husband and my kids like crazy. Brent would come to visit us all the time after we moved from Tulsa to OKC. He would sleep on our floor and never complained about it. He just wanted to be around his brother and his nephews. They would play games and talk history and other nerdy stuff like that. He loved being at our house and we loved having him.

He loved melee. I don't know much about this, but I do know he was so proud of his role in the Tulsa Melee league. He would bring his armour and stuff to show it off to us. I wish I had more to write about this, but I don't know much about it. I just know I want my kids to know how much he loved it.

He was creative. He would make funny things for me and the kids on the computer all the time. He made this series of hilarious photos of Paxton that I hope I can find in cyberspace somewhere.

He was so much more, but these are the main things I want my children to know about him. I want them to know how much we love him and how much he loved them. Scott and I decided a while ago that we were not going to memorialize the day that Brent passed. We have decided to have happy memories and to focus on those and try our hardest not to let our sadness get the best of us. Obviously this is easier said than done, but today I will force myself to be happy that I know Brent. That I love him and was able to be a part of his life and him a part of mine. I know he is so proud of how good Porter is on the drums, and how Paxton has learned to ride a big boy bike. He never met Charlotte face-to-face, but I know he loves her spit-fire personality. His presence on Earth is gone, but will never be forgotten. We love you B!

A Happy Heart

I love my life. Everything about it actually. I adore my husband more and more every day. My kids, well they are the most perfect angels God ever created. I love my family like crazy. My mom, dad, sister and I are thick as thieves. My in-laws are amazing. My friends are one of a kind. I love my house, my dorky, mini van, etc., etc. All that being said sometimes life gets in the way of living. I try and maintain a happy heart and healthy honest relationships with the ones I love. This too is much more complicated for me than it may sound. I have a 4, 2 and 1 year old, and as everyone knows this gets very demanding physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I pray. A lot. I read books. I ask people for advice. I listen. And I still fail. I try and live my life knowing that each day is a gift. That we are only here for a short time and this is my life, my awesome life, and not my sentence. This is what I have chosen for myself with guidance from God, my husband, my parents, my sister, my friends, yet still I find myself overwhelmed and overlooking the beauty in the little things.

In a conversation with one of my best friends (who I look up to, and turn to for almost everything) she mentioned that in a book she was reading something really stood out. It was talking about doing everything with the excitement of a 3 year old feeding the ducks. This really hit home because my little Paxie boys is a living example of this happiness every day. We seriously have been to the Oklahoma City Zoo about 150,000 times. Every time we go he acts like it's the first time he has been. We go swimming every day. You would never be able to tell. He seriously is the happiest, most fun loving child that sometimes it brings tears to my eyes to see him experience new things. Every time we have visitors to Jenks we have pretty much the same routine. We take them to eat at Los Cabos Mexican Restaurant and then go to the Aquarium. Paxton is the best tour guide. He has been to the Aquarium probably 20 times in the last few months, yet he is still so excited to share it with everyone he loves. This is how I want to live my life. With the excitement of a 4 year old going to the Aquarium!

With Mema and Pops!

With Laura!

With Corbin (and Jenn and Carson not pictured)!

Little Drummer Boy

Scott likes to take the kids to have one-on-one dates every Saturday morning. We always try and think of something that highlights their individuality since we spend so much time together. Porter is obsessed with drumming so Scott took him to The Guitar Center to look at the drums. You never know we could have the next....wait I don't know any famous drummers, but you get the idea.

Such a good mommy!

And NO I am not talking about myself! Although....Kidding, kidding! It has been so fun having a baby girl. I, of course, adore my boys and always knew I was going to have little boys. I always said to myself that God would give me boys because I am so unequipped to handle boy things. This is a lesson I knew I needed to learn and Paxton and Porter (and Scott for that matter) have been such good teachers. I know all sorts of boy things that I wouldn't have known without these precious angels. Like every dinosaur that ever walked the Earth and what they ate. Every type of train, truck and bug on the planet. Not to mention all the rough housing that goes on around here that makes me a nervous wreck. The other day Scott came up behind me and put an enormous worm in my face. I screamed bloody murder (as Paxton likes to say) and the boys laughed for days over that. I still can not find even an ounce of humor in this, but apparently to boys this sort of thing is funny.

Because of all this boys stuff I have grown accustomed to over the past 4 years, watching Charlotte play is so adorable to me it is unreal. The boys have always hated anything stuffed. Stuffed animals, baby dolls, etc terrified Paxton, and Porter just wants nothing to do with them. They are more interested in things with wheels. Charlotte, on the other hand, is OBSESSED with her baby dolls! Today she was sitting in her high chair feeding "big baby" (this is the name the boys have given Charlotte's favorite baby doll because it looks like Big Baby from Toy Story 3) toast. When she was finished eating she walks up to me as I am washing dishes and hands me big baby. I said, "do you want me to wash big baby?" since her head was covered in butter. Charlotte nods so I wash her face, hands and feet. I turn around to hand her the baby back and she is holding up a towel for me to dry the baby off. I wrap big baby up in a towel and hand her back to Charlotte. Charlotte takes the baby immediately into the bathroom where she pulls off a piece of toilet paper and says "poo poo" and wipes the baby's bottom. Then she carries the baby back into the living room, lays her down, covers her up with the towel, and says "night night" before she walks away! This little girl is going to be such a good mommy someday! Either she watches me do this altogether too much, or she just has a very creative imagination. I am going to go with the imagination. I remember going into my ultrasound with Charlotte convinced we were having another boy, and honestly I was happy about that. When the ultrasound tech said it was a girl I started sobbing, as usual, and I looked at Scott and said, "I didn't even know I wanted a girl until I just found out we were having one!" I am still reminded of this every day.

Watching all of their personalities develop is one of my favorite things so far!

**The first picture is one Paxton took himself!!**

Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair. Or mommy will work just fine too!

Most kids have a "lovey." It's usually a blanket, stuffed animal, maybe a favorite toy or pillow. Paxton had a "sliky." He had a "big silk," which was a blue Little Giraffe blanket. And a "little silk," which was a smaller white Little Giraffe blanket. He would carry those silkys around with him everywhere, and when he was putting himself to sleep he would rub it on his face and in his ears and between his toes. Pretty much anywhere he could think of to rub the silky edges of that blanket on his body he would. It was so sweet and adorable to watch him do this. It was so tattered and worn out by the time he gave it up I couldn't decide whether or not to keep it in his memory box. I mean it was REALLY worn out. (I did keep the little silk by the way. I just couldn't part with it.) When he gave up the pacifier he pretty much gave up the silky too. I never thought he would let it go, but he was pretty anxious to enter into big boy-dum. It was a bittersweet moment. Although I am fully aware the attachment to a lovey is very normal, in fact it is almost life saving at times, Porter has a little different approach to the lovey.

Porter wants to play with my hair. He has done this since he was a little baby. It started when I was nursing him. He would twirl my hair in his fingers. Then it progressed to when I was laying down with him to go to sleep he would run his fingers through my hair. And then when he was sitting next to me on the couch reading books. And yesterday I was washing dishes and he proceeds to drag a chair from the kitchen table up next to me at the sink so he can "pull mommy's hair while she is washing dishes." And he has a method to this madness. He starts at the root and runs his fingers all the way through to the end. My hair is Porter's lovey! Now that he is a little bit bigger and you can reason with him a bit, I will try and put a hold on the hair pulling until it is bed time. In all honesty it is sweet to me that he does this, but I am not going to lie and and act like it doesn't drive me crazy at times. Only because it hurts a bit and it inevitably ends up tickling my face. So at one point (in the height of the hair pulling situation) I got desperate. I could not sleep with Porter all night long seeing as I had a new baby to take care of. This led me on the mad search to find something to replace my mane in his hands. Sooooooo what do I find you might ask??!! A Barbie doll wig! Who knew they made such a thing, but they do, and IT WORKED! I would lay down with him until he fell asleep and then slip the Barbie wig into his hand. This may sound crazy to some people, but hey a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. That big black blob in the photo above...Barbie doll hair. He has moved past the wigs seeing as he has a real life person to snuggle all night long now in his big brother. Just as Paxton gave up the silky, Porter too will give up the hair one of these days. I know there will come a day when I long for Porter to snuggle up next to me in bed and twirl my hair. Maybe some day, but not any time soon I don't believe. :)

No Nuts! And I'm not talking about crazy people! Although feel free to leave those out too!

For about 7 years (2000 - 2007) I was a vegetarian. I ate dairy and eggs but no meat at all. Living in Oklahoma this drove a lot of people crazy. I mean come on...BEEF IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER! I tried really hard to get protein where I could. Most of my protein came from eggs, cheese, soy, beans and rice, and NUTS. Tons of nuts! I loved a good PB&J, and I do believe that Scott lived on peanut butter for a good 10 years of his life. I would eat cashews and almonds for a snack almost daily. Scott's favorite snack in the whole world is a good trail mix. Just thinking about these foods, my mouth is watering.

Fast forward to March 8, 2007 at 9:36 pm. My little precious bundle of screaming joy was born. Paxton was rushed to the NICU immediately because he wasn't breathing very well. After the longest 14 hours of my life until that point, he came to be with his momma and daddy doing just fine. Apparently he had what they call "lazy white boy syndrome." Since he looked just like Scott I was so happy to know he did get some of my genes (I too can get lazy from time to time!). I was so excited to breast feed and was convinced I was going to have such an easy go at it considering Paxton latched on immediately. So we go home and in an effort to be the best breast feeding mother in the world I am eating tons of protein, ie, dairy and nuts, and nursing around the clock. And that is no exaggeration. If Paxton wasn't nursing he was screaming. And I don't do screaming baby very well so that means he was nursing all the time. Since the screaming never EVER stopped I thought maybe he was starving or something. Like my milk wasn't enough to fill him up. When he was 3 weeks old I gave him a bottle of formula. This resulted in several hours of vomiting and a trip to the ER. Good times! So I keep nursing and eating my protein and Paxton keeps screaming bloody murder for the majority of 2 solid months. Being a first time mom I have absolutely no clue what to do. I vaguely remember ordering colic remedies off the Internet at 3 in the morning while sitting on the bathroom floor with the tub water running (this was the only thing that would calm him down a bit). In the midst of my constant google searches for "colicky baby" I come across info that links milk protein to colic. So I cut all dairy out of my diet and up my nut intake to make sure I get my protein in. This helped a little but not completely. I was advised by my pediatrician to stop nursing for 2 days and give him Nutramagin formula to see if that helped. Two days later we had a different child. This was all it took for me to realize that nursing was not helping him, but upsetting his tummy so bad. Obviously, I quit nursing and switched to this special formula right away.

Fast forward to Paxton's first birthday. What I am fast forwarding past is severe exczema, wheezing, and several respiratory infections. I knew he had problems with milk but also knew there was such a broad spectrum of problems he could have. I wanted him to have allergy testing, but most doctors are hesitant to order this type of testing on a 1 year old. I had a hunch for some reason that he was allergic to nuts. One day I took a little bit of peanut butter and rubbed it on his cheek. And what do you know...HIVES. This was enough for our pediatrician to order the tests and sure enough he's severely allergic to milk, eggs, and nuts. All that peanut butter I was eating in an effort to make my little buddy grow up big and strong was making him sick!

We haven't had nuts in our house in over 3 years. We avoid nuts like the plague. My parents and sister have even gone nut free to avoid any form of cross contamination. (This is just one reason they are awesome!!) It is hard to eat out. It is hard to travel. It is hard to go to a birthday party. And the list goes on. But we manage and try our best to make it as normal as possible. I make some mean peanut-free vegan baked goods these days. If you're ever in the mood for a good vegan muffin let me know! We take Paxton to the allergist next week and I pray that he has outgrown some of his allergies. Although if he has not I won't be sad. It is just one thing that makes him who he is and I love him just that way.

On a side note, Scott and I were talking about what we want to do on our first vacation sans children in 5 years. This is how the list went, in no particular order:

1. Lay on the beach

2. Sleep sleep sleep!

3. Eat bags and bags of reese's peanut butter cups, peanut butter and jelly, and snickers.

Doesn't that sound romantic! :)

My Baby Girl's Birthday!

Unbelievably, my sweet sweet Charlotte is 1 year old!!! She was the most pleasant surprise I have ever received, and I couldn't imagine life without her. Although I don't feel like I will ever forget one adorable moment I know I will, so here are some things I want to remember forever about Charlotte this first year of her life.

* Charlotte was so long and skinny when she was born I remember looking at her and saying out loud, "She is never going to be chunky like the boys were." That was the misstatement of the year! Charlotte day one, 8 pounds 8 ounces. Charlotte day 365, 27 pounds 1 ounce. Chubbiest baby girl ever! And I love every fold on that soft body!

* Charlotte absolutely loves her brothers so much! Paxton and Porter's knock knock jokes are not wasted on her. She is their biggest fan.

* Rolling over at 3 months, crawling at 6 months, pulling up at 7 months, walking at 10 months. Always on the move!

* She LOVES to dance! Seriously since she was little little little she would start dancing every time she would hear music. And the girl's got some rhythm!

* Never took an ounce of formula never ate any baby food. Favorite foods: yogurt, pasta, cheese (we think she may be French!)

* LOVES baby dolls and all things girl. She will carry around her baby dolls and hug them and kiss them all day long. She rocks them and burps them. She carries around a purse and a credit card all day some days (this, of course, is adorable to me, however Scott finds it a bit disturbing :D ). She loves shoes, especially her gold sandals with jewels on them.

* Loves other children. Maybe a little too much. In other words, she likes to hug and pinch and squeeze and kiss other kids so much she might scare them a little!

* Big talker. At one she says; mama, dada, mema, papa, bubba, Porter, baby, night night, book, shoes, poo poo, and the list goes on.

* Already a little bit sassy, if you will! If Charlotte isn't interested in something she does what we call the "wave off." She will throw her hands up in the most dramatic fashion and wave them back and forth and back and forth with this "I SAID NO" look on her face. She also has what we call her "WWF Smackdown" where she stretches her arms out in front of her and makes fists and shakes her whole body and yells as loud as she can. Unfortunately, this is all too effective. That's what happens when you are the third child in 3 years. You learn to get your way!

* Very observant. She watches her big brothers like a hawk. Then repeats everything they do. This is good when it comes to things like brushing her teeth and spitting in the sink. This is bad when it comes to climbing onto the coffee table and jumping to the couch.

Charlotte has always been my little shadow. She has gone everywhere with me since the day she was born. The longest Charlotte has ever been away from her momma to date is the 12 hours we were at the hospital when Paxton had his surgery. The umbilical cord has yet to be cut, but I like it that way. She will grow into a little girl and eventually a teenager who isn't all that interested in being with her mother from sun up to sun down, so I am thankful for this first year of togetherness. She is the sweetest baby girl and we all adore her more than words can express. I watch her play with her brothers and praise God for the sweet baby girl that was brought into our lives June 8, 2010. I could go on forever and it would never be enough to express the way we feel for this little angel. We love her like crazy! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLOTTE KATE!